No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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