i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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