i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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