I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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