tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
