Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
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I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
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The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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