I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
