Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
