Got a toothbrush?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
