he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize