GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
