I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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