Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
