1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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