You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
