i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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