im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's blow job season.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
