Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
