I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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