I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
