3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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