I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
