Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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