do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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