Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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