We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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