I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
