omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
