it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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