She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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