I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
