well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
