where am i from again
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
