Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
