Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
