They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
