Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
