Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
babies were throwing up all over the place
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
