My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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