She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
