Michael Bay diarrhea
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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