I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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