we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
