I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
