was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
