and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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