We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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