thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
false alarm, still single
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
