i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
