I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
