do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
