the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
