Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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