I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
