Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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