two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
