You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
