I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
